With everything going on, there’s a lot of time to think now. Given the extra time, I’ve been working out A LOT. Like, at least twice a day. PT (Physical Training) doesn’t take much thought so daydreaming and zoning out are regular occurrences. With this, for me anyway, comes analytical time. Sometimes it’s not a good thing because I get in this long loop of overthinking about a specific thing or situation, but it’s my default.
What’s been foremost in my mind lately has been self-worth and value. Most of you know what the world’s view is of female beauty. It’s not all quite cookie cutter, but it generally involves being fit (i.e., not having a double chin like myself), clear and flawless skin (again, not me. I couldn’t keep myself from picking. Still can’t actually) and generally feminine features. Point blank: I think I’m ugly. I wish I didn’t think that. Or better, I wish it didn’t matter so damn much. The amount of time I have wasted and been in turmoil over my looks is too much to count. I’ve known for a long time that it is directly correlated to the amount of male attention I have or have not received. I’ve had guys interested in me before, but never one where I reciprocated. I’ve never been in a relationship and I’ve never been in love. I’ve had crushes. Goodness, I’ve had crushes. Too many to be comfortable with. They’ve always been unreciprocated, and I think this helped change my self-perception negatively.
A basic, objective fact is that I’m not conventionally beautiful. As a result, I’m already fighting against the general definition of beauty. On top of that, I’m fighting against the fact that my lack of beauty also means I lack value because no one that I’ve wanted has wanted me back. This has made me think I was less and/or not enough. Honestly I think if I wasn’t even half hoping for a potential SO, it probably wouldn’t matter. For the most part, I don’t care what people think of me. It’s tied to the romance thing. I’ve read a ton of romance novels, mainly because I can’t have my own yet, and all the chicks in there are freaking hot and flawless. That probably doesn’t help my situation, but it simulates the real thing so it gets me by in the meantime.
I’ve actually prayed to God to take away that need to find “the one.” That’s what I’m waiting on. It’s the only reason I’ve waited as long as I have. I’m waiting for that one person that will complete my soul; that will settle this nearly constant storm inside me; that will know the worst about me and still love me; someone who I can love the same way and more. It seems impossible, especially in light of what has happened so far, but I’m still holding onto it. The good things are worth waiting for, yes? I just wish it wasn’t so freakin hard and that my value didn’t take a knock in the meantime.
The logical and practical side of me knows that my value lies in what I do and who I am and in God, of course; not whether someone loves me in that way. It actually irritates me that it bothers me so much. There’s so much I want out of life that that would actually get in the way of, but that seems to be the peak of human experience. The butterflies. The excitement. The overwhelming feeling of being connected body and soul with another person. And I want it all. The transition to no longer having my beauty or lack thereof attached to my value will hopefully come sooner rather than later. I honestly don’t want to be a year older and still be like this. I don’t want to be looking anymore. I’m tired of wondering if every interesting guy I meet is “the one.” It’s irritating and exhausting. I just want God to turn that part of me off for the time being because life would be so much easier.
In the meantime, I’m doing my best to be positive about myself and to tell myself over and over again that I’m worth it. I’m worth everything even if no one likes me in that way. I may never think I’m beautiful aesthetically, but I know I’m beautiful as a person; I know I have an outrageous laugh; I know I love people and love connecting with those people. These qualities are what will last, but before I get out of my prime I would like to get to a point where I love all of me and think that I’m beautiful. It’s a constant battle I’m fighting and one I want to win because if I don’t think I’m beautiful, I’m not going to believe “the one” does if I ever do meet him.
By the way, this is not all that consumes my thoughts. When I have a lot of things going on, it’s easier to ignore. More specifically, when I have a lot of fulfilling things going on. Not much of that going on right now. What I enjoy and find fulfilling is traveling and learning new exciting skills. However, I know why I’m here and it keeps me going. Otherwise, life is pretty good. God is good per usual, and He keeps me going when I think I can’t anymore. Another blog coming soon after this one because this one took so long.
Many Are Called 