I think I started this blog way back in 2014. It was initially to log my adventures in NYC while I stayed there on the study away program. I never finished that story. Hopefully someday I will. One problem I have with the whole either maintaining blogging or finishing a story is it always ends up being longer than I thought or wanted it to be. Most people have a short attention span, especially in today’s world. Myself included. If I don’t stay engaged, at least in the context of social media (I can stay inside a physical book all day long), I’m scrolling to the next thing. I say all that to say that I’ll write something, then delete it thinking no one is going to read it because it’s too long. Well, the only way to get better is by doing. Paraphrased quote by Stephen King. With that being said, this blog evolved into more of a inner thought/big event outlet. So, I will continue in that same vein. At some point or another, I would like to write my entire life story. Someone may find it interesting, but that won’t be why I write it.
Those who know me know that I’ve had quite a bit occur in my short life. Sometimes I look at my life and see that it wasn’t enough. I haven’t done enough yet. Why I’m chasing extraordinary like a madwoman I may never know, but what I want more than anything is to matter, to make an impact. To be remembered when I’m gone. Either by someone who loved me or in a history book. Only time will tell. But that’s not today. My story is a very long, hard one. Not as hard as some granted, but it’s not exactly a quick read either.
I haven’t gotten around to reading about how trauma affects a person or for how long. I feel nothing when I think about my personal trauma other than a certain detached sympathy for the people involved. That was a different life, a different me, and it changed my life forever. There were some other things that happened that built up to that, but that was the catalyst. It killed me and a new person was born. Good or bad, I’ve yet to find out. So far, life has been very hard. Looking at it from the outside, you’d wonder what I’m talking about. I was very involved in the community and school programs in high school. I wasn’t popular. I was one of the weird ones actually, but I was fairly well adjusted considering. I went to college, which most people don’t get to do (Thank you God). I spent a year in Ireland. I’ve joined the military. My life has fairly gone according to plan since then. One thing essential is missing however. None of it has filled the hole that trauma left.
For those Christians reading, I figure I know what you might say: God will fill that void. On a side note, I’m 100% convinced that I don’t have the Holy Spirit (For those who believe in something else, stick with me). There’s supposed to be this complete change, yes? We’re supposed to be creatures made new. I’m not new. I feel old and weary and tired. I used to think I was lazy. Perhaps I was and still am at times. But I’m tired all of the time. Even when I’m high on endorphins from a workout, a part of me is still dragging. I’ve got a generally happy disposition on the outside, and I laugh when things are funny to me, which is a lot. Sometimes I laugh in pity. There’s really nothing worse than trying to be funny and no one laughs. So if I can tell that someone was trying to be funny, I generally laugh. I don’t think that makes me fake. I want them to feel acknowledged and valued. Being seen through or ignored sucks. I say all of that to state that God and I have a lot of work to do. I believe in God, mainly because He won’t leave me alone. Sometimes I want Him to. I feel dirty, unworthy of someone who could love as purely as Him. Other times, I’m begging Him not to give up on me. That I may not be worth it, but I want Him more than anything. At the same time, I avoid going full-God.
Ya’ll may know what I’m talking about or not. I’ve gotten really close to God. I knew at one point without a shadow of a doubt that He was there. But I always seem to fall off before I reach full potential of my relationship with God. It’s literally as if I’m almost afraid. Going full potential with God means you give everything up. You submit everything. And if there’s anything I’ve held onto with all my might, it’s my independence and control. That trauma again maybe. There were things that happened that I could do absolutely nothing about and I wanted to. I never want to feel that helpless or out of control again. God willing, I never will. Either because I’ll hold it together or He will protect me.
He said we would have trials. He guaranteed it. I just didn’t know how alone I would feel through it all. When you’re surrounded by people who seem to have no issues, that have it together while inside you’re a storm of doubt, anxiety, fear and pain, it makes you seem that much more alone. That was a long side note, but God is not always the answer. They say that, but if you choose not to get to know yourself or look at something that has happened to you and work at it, with God’s help, it doesn’t just happen. Want to know what else? If you don’t work through it, it will continue to come up in other ways. Subtle ways. In my particular experience, I have a void in my chest where my heart used to be, so I am very nearly constantly in pain. Ehh….maybe more like a deep wound. I wouldn’t be able to feel if I didn’t have a heart. See? Still working through this interpretation process while I’m writing about it.
Most days I am fairly emotionless, save joy. I try to stay away from the others because I have a tendency to brood and wallow. It is perhaps this avoidance that brings on the full-on brooding sessions. Something will happen, even minor. I’ll be tired. Then all the feelings and negative thoughts I’ve been pushing to the back of my mind and heart the whole time come boiling out in various forms. Normally it’s crying (everyone needs a good cry now and again) or if I work out, well, I work it out. For those of you with the same problem, exercise is not the answer, but it certainly helps for a little while. And if you do it every day, then you’ve got a bit of happy hormones on a daily basis. Getting good sleep also helps of course. The schedule I’m on right now pretty much makes that impossible. Especially if I work out. Anyway, I was at boiling over. On these days, I’m fairly useless productivity wise. It’s like I sink into darkness and there is no way out. Then I’ll sleep and be back to myself. What ends up boiling out is the usual. Wondering if I matter. Wondering if certain people or anyone likes me. I told myself a long time ago that that no longer mattered to me, but the fact is I love people. I love connecting with people. I love people and I love to be loved as well. When I’m not getting that feedback or reciprocation, it makes me wonder. Then there’s the existential crises, where I realize that everything is fairly pointless and in the grand scheme any great thing I do won’t matter in 500 or even 20 years. That’s a dangerous road however, that I can’t stay on very long. People tend to take more of a front seat during this emotional roller coaster.
I have yet to figure out why, but I am an attention hog. I don’t necessarily want to be the center of attention. That legitimately makes me uncomfortable. But I do want to be involved. To belong. The last time I felt comfortable in my own skin and like I belonged was when I was 7 years old. That could be why I’m so tired; because I’m so wound up all the time. I’ll find out soon hopefully with lots of soul-searching and praying. I do know that when I feel involved, included, that pain is at least temporarily assuaged. I am validated by others’ opinion of me. I wish that wasn’t the case and it certainly can’t stay that way, but it is what it is at this moment. As a Christian, that’s definitely not a good place to be. We’re supposed to get our validation from God. However, He doesn’t feel like enough though. I don’t feel Him at all recently actually. Hence, the feeling alone.
My point in this first one was to outline my personal issues and potential solutions. For those who are reading this who don’t believe in God, I talk about Him a lot. Not to beat people over the head with it, but despite how alone I feel, I know He is there and has been from my beginning. I couldn’t not talk about Him anymore than I could not talk about anything regarding myself. He is my identity, so consider it a personality trait. It is not to offend anyone. With that said, He may be my solution to some issues because He knows everything whereas I know a pinprick by comparison. He has revealed and will continue to reveal actionable solutions that I can do myself. Those I will share here.
One of the misconceptions I had about trauma was that A. It goes away by itself. It seems like mine had, but something or other keeps resurfacing. B. I’m too old to deal with it. Like, I’m an adult now. Experiences from my childhood shouldn’t bother me anymore, I need to move on with my life, etc. However, I’ll say this right now. If you have even the slightest pain or discomfort with a past event, you better deal with it right now. It doesn’t matter if it makes you feel less or weak. If you’re feeling something negative about said past event, you can’t move on. I haven’t moved on. Maybe that’s why my life has felt fairly empty: because I’m not really here. I haven’t been for a long time. For those still reading, I apologize if I brought you down. That was not my intention. But I had to start here. This is the bottom. It’s not the root. I’m not 100% sure of that yet, but hopefully examining my past will bring it to light. No one likes weeds in their garden yeah? What happens if you mow those? The roots are still there and they’ll be back. You have to dig them out from the root and burn them. Purge them if you will. This is my purging. Therapy in a way. If you wonder why I’m posting it publicly, well I know through this and other experiences I’ve felt very alone because it seemed as if no one else was going through anything remotely similar. Well, this is for those who feel alone. Come with me. Let’s see where we end up.
*After reading over this, I realize it is not well written. It’s rough. However, I’ve decided to leave it because it a direct representation of where I am in this process. It’s just as choppy and stream of consciousness as this was. With time, we’ll get better. See you next time.
Many Are Called 